The future that lies ahead...

On my day off I wake up late.. (bad-consiously late..)I have a slight hangover that has no justification whatsoever (I only had two mojitos and an extremely boring night),my head is spinning and as Im pouring coffee into my favourite mug I get a panick attack.. What the hell am I going to do with my life...?

I ve been around.. I ve seen a lot.. Met people, observed situations.. Had discussions, tried new things... worked hard, played hard.. Tasted failure, savoured success.. I ve loved and cried and missed and despised.. And my soul is old in a 26-year-old body...And I still dont know what I ll do with my life, that just seems to be passing by while Im trying to figure it out..

I guess not knowing is not bad, as long as you are actually doing something while you are deciding what to do next. But Im not. Im in a vacuum, just waiting for something, anything, to happen.. Waiting for directions, looking for a sign. And earning a pitiful salary doing a job that I can hardly call an investment for the future.

Sucks.

Im not unhappy in a sense. But Im tired of waiting. Quarter-life crisis they call it. I think some people are born with it and others just know. I was born with a sense of disorientation that followed me through to adult life. Not sure where I belonged.. Not sure where my strengths or weaknesses lie. Not ever sure whether I want to stay or go.

There's always a burden that slows us down.. doubts and guilt and insecurities and fear.. And the bad conscious... Oh the bad conscious..A friend once told me "All my life I was feeling guilty about things I did and things I didnt do. Im 28 and Im tired of having a bad conscious.. I am not going to apologize anymore". How many of us spend their lives like that, trying to please others and constantly feeling bad for not achieving it..?

Deep inside I think we all know whether we are on the right track or not. And some of us just settle, while others are struggling to get out of their orbit and wander around in their personal galaxy.

For the time being, I think I ll just step back and enjoy the confusion and the wondering and the wandering. Maybe this is the stage of life where you are suppose to do just that: look for answers. As long as you know the questions. And there is no need to despair. There is always hope, hidden in the prospects of the future that lies ahead.