I dream a lot (not metaphorically, the sleeping-dreaming kind), this cannot be normal. My dreams are not normal either and if they are an indication of what's in my head, Im in trouble... Most of what I dream comes from my past... I already know that Im excessively connected to my past, and as much as Im trying to live the present, its hard not to look back on all the good times, especially when the present moment just isnt so great... I know the theory of carpe diem and make every minute count and all that... and its true, thats how it should be.. and I used to live the moment, I was all about living the moment, but right now, it feels like there is no moment to live, everything is pretty much the same, day after day, and this platitude doesnt seem likely to change any time soon..
Right now, Im all about living the past moments... Sometimes I just close my eyes and get lost in the past... Im walking in the streets of Harlem on a cold winter night, Im sitting by the Danube in Vienna in the summer... Im enjoying a huge Japanese dinner with a hostfamily, 10 people gathered around a boiling pot, picking delicious pieces of meat and vegetables with our chopsticks.. I close my eyes and Im walking in the streets of Tokyo, Im biking around Copenhagen.. Im sipping wine in my favourite bar in Granada, Im waiting for Brecht to come and meet me in our hang out place in Barcelona. Im going for coffee with Claudia in Venice.. Im on strike in Up With People (that means we take everything down after the show) and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody starts playing and we all gather in the middle of the stage to sing on the top of our lungs... Sometimes I miss New York, Copenhagen, Barcelona, Vienna, all the cities I ve lived in so much it hurts. I just want to crawl inside old photos and stay there...
And then I open my eyes and Im nearly 30 and it seems like all the good times belong to the past.. Im so far away from all the cities I ve lived and loved.. from all the good people I shared those memories with.. the present just isnt as exciting... and Im looking for a way to transfer my energy back to the present. Let go, let go, let go... People move on, life goes on, new adventures will come... Then I commit the second mistake, I live waiting for the next adventure to come and the moments of now still dont really count.. I ve been feeling like that since I was 16, Im only truly ALIVE when Im traveling, when the scenery is new and exciting, when the people are new and interesting!
In a peculiar way, Im not unhappy per se. I have my friends around.. I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend (doing nothing exciting, but its still nice to spend time with him). I drive to see my parents.. I read, I exercise, I go to the beach, I drink wine in terraces talking about nothing and everything.. Sometimes I walk around on my own at dawn, in the streets of old Nicosia which I really love. Here and there there's something new and exciting going on, like the Japanese Peace Boat coming to Cyprus or a really nice concert under the stars.. Normally Id be working a job I dont really like and complain about it, but not right now, its summer and Im waiting for school to start soon. Its a normal life that Im living and its not an unhappy one.
So what's missing? The adventure! The sense of purpose, the learning and self-development that you feel happening every day when you are moving out of your comfort zone. I miss the changing scenery, the feelings of awe in front of new and exciting things. The novelty. Will I be feeling the same if I had stayed in Vienna or in Copenhagen or even in New York? Would it get old and boring after a while? Would the sense of freedom fade away after a couple of years of work routine? I dont know.. Maybe.
Life is simple, I know that much. You dont need too many things to be happy and on paper I have everything I truly need. I just feel that I still havent found the right spot for me to rest on. The place I am in right now doesn't feel right. Is it my fault? Am I too demanding? Too unsatisfied? Or is the inner voice trying to guide me somehow?
Fuck, I dont know. And I dont know how to figure it out either. Maybe Im just one of those people who never rest. So all I have to do is find a way to make this feeling of restlessness work in my favor.
Maybe life is not a line after all.
Right now, Im all about living the past moments... Sometimes I just close my eyes and get lost in the past... Im walking in the streets of Harlem on a cold winter night, Im sitting by the Danube in Vienna in the summer... Im enjoying a huge Japanese dinner with a hostfamily, 10 people gathered around a boiling pot, picking delicious pieces of meat and vegetables with our chopsticks.. I close my eyes and Im walking in the streets of Tokyo, Im biking around Copenhagen.. Im sipping wine in my favourite bar in Granada, Im waiting for Brecht to come and meet me in our hang out place in Barcelona. Im going for coffee with Claudia in Venice.. Im on strike in Up With People (that means we take everything down after the show) and Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody starts playing and we all gather in the middle of the stage to sing on the top of our lungs... Sometimes I miss New York, Copenhagen, Barcelona, Vienna, all the cities I ve lived in so much it hurts. I just want to crawl inside old photos and stay there...
And then I open my eyes and Im nearly 30 and it seems like all the good times belong to the past.. Im so far away from all the cities I ve lived and loved.. from all the good people I shared those memories with.. the present just isnt as exciting... and Im looking for a way to transfer my energy back to the present. Let go, let go, let go... People move on, life goes on, new adventures will come... Then I commit the second mistake, I live waiting for the next adventure to come and the moments of now still dont really count.. I ve been feeling like that since I was 16, Im only truly ALIVE when Im traveling, when the scenery is new and exciting, when the people are new and interesting!
In a peculiar way, Im not unhappy per se. I have my friends around.. I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend (doing nothing exciting, but its still nice to spend time with him). I drive to see my parents.. I read, I exercise, I go to the beach, I drink wine in terraces talking about nothing and everything.. Sometimes I walk around on my own at dawn, in the streets of old Nicosia which I really love. Here and there there's something new and exciting going on, like the Japanese Peace Boat coming to Cyprus or a really nice concert under the stars.. Normally Id be working a job I dont really like and complain about it, but not right now, its summer and Im waiting for school to start soon. Its a normal life that Im living and its not an unhappy one.
So what's missing? The adventure! The sense of purpose, the learning and self-development that you feel happening every day when you are moving out of your comfort zone. I miss the changing scenery, the feelings of awe in front of new and exciting things. The novelty. Will I be feeling the same if I had stayed in Vienna or in Copenhagen or even in New York? Would it get old and boring after a while? Would the sense of freedom fade away after a couple of years of work routine? I dont know.. Maybe.
Life is simple, I know that much. You dont need too many things to be happy and on paper I have everything I truly need. I just feel that I still havent found the right spot for me to rest on. The place I am in right now doesn't feel right. Is it my fault? Am I too demanding? Too unsatisfied? Or is the inner voice trying to guide me somehow?
Fuck, I dont know. And I dont know how to figure it out either. Maybe Im just one of those people who never rest. So all I have to do is find a way to make this feeling of restlessness work in my favor.
Maybe life is not a line after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment