The thought of going back to New York is both terrifying and enticing.. Either way, I made up my mind, Im going.
I just wish I didnt have to go alone. And I hope that I ll find a way to not spend too much money there. I dont think I can afford it.
It wasnt even my idea.. Opportunity just presented itself, as it happens. I got the assignment of accompanying Greek and Turkish Cypriot teenagers to Atlanta, Georgia.. I just have to deliver them there safely, that's all I have to do.. and then I thought, I might as well stay and explore a bit, and then I thought, I love New York, I might as well go there. The details of this visit didn't occur to me until now, when the tickets are booked and there's no way out of it. I have no place to stay, my dear dear friend is going to be in Rio and cannot provide accommodation and my acquaintances have happily agreed to take me out, but will their company be enough to fill 10 days?
It's all a bit of a mess, but it is thrilling really. I love it. It scares me and Im secretly happy I get to do something that scares me. It was the same with Ukraine, everyone thought I was crazy for wanting to go there, you would not believe the arguments I heard and how worried everyone was.. and for what...? I was almost disappointed by how calm everything was (well not really, Im not that kind of election observer, I dont seek adrenaline rush in my missions). It was an experience full of nice people, nice food, nice beer and vodka, almost like a holiday but with a twist of elections. Not life changing, but definitely worth taking the risk for. And it was a window to the world that Im glad I opened. Im a lot more aware of whats going on, and you dont get that awareness just by reading the news.. So Im glad I went, even though it scared me. I refuse to let fear stop me from doing what I want.
Anyway, change of topic. I need to grow more. It feels like living in Cyprus is keeping me in a standstill. Election missions are like a small oasis in an otherwise stagnant life. Maybe its not entirely true, but it feels that way and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. I think so much traveling has made me spoiled, I need new scenery, different stimuli, I need new interesting people, conversations, experiences.. More than what Cyprus can offer me, I think.. I do have my projects and they are mostly interesting, they really are, but I'm doing everything halfheartedly, there's something stopping me from giving heart and soul.. Im always half here - half away and that's the reason I never got a stable job in Cyprus, which could have been a really good experience.. On the up side, that's how I could do election observations, but I'm 30 and never worked anywhere long enough (unless you count substitute teaching, which you can't really cause I've never been in one school long enough to actually have a meaningful impact).
Which brings me to the topic of this pointless rant and the reason why I'm not sleeping right now (when I have to get up in 5 hours and deliver a Human Rights workshop to girl-scouts in Limasol).
Regrets. I decided I wont have any. Going back to NY makes me wander down memory lane and I can't handle it. I hate myself for living in the past, but I cant help it. It might be a way to escape the present (would be interesting to read what Freud or some other intellectual psychoanalytic wacko has to say about this) but mostly it's a way to avoid reality. The reality that I'm growing up and I'm constantly running away. There are so many other paths that I could have taken, but I always took the escape exit, from jobs, from people, from countries, from opportunities. And those exits led me to where I am today. Fine. No regrets. I'm willing to accept the karmic theory of causation (I caused everything that happens to me in my previous lives), the doctrine of tychism (everything happened to me by chance) or the New Age consolation that everything happened for a reason (despite the lack of evidence). Either way, no regrets. I got to where I am now and I've learned a lot, grew a lot and even if Im kind of stuck now, I know there are always opportunities, in every day, in every place, for growth and happiness and life satisfaction.
So I won't let a trip to New York make me feel bad about how things have turned out in my life. I ll make the most of the adventure, absorb the magic of my (second) favorite city, see old friends and make new ones.. I ll seize the moment and devour the moment and appreciate the opportunity to go back to where I once left my heart.
(and maybe I can bring it home. I'm afraid its still there).
I just wish I didnt have to go alone. And I hope that I ll find a way to not spend too much money there. I dont think I can afford it.
It wasnt even my idea.. Opportunity just presented itself, as it happens. I got the assignment of accompanying Greek and Turkish Cypriot teenagers to Atlanta, Georgia.. I just have to deliver them there safely, that's all I have to do.. and then I thought, I might as well stay and explore a bit, and then I thought, I love New York, I might as well go there. The details of this visit didn't occur to me until now, when the tickets are booked and there's no way out of it. I have no place to stay, my dear dear friend is going to be in Rio and cannot provide accommodation and my acquaintances have happily agreed to take me out, but will their company be enough to fill 10 days?
It's all a bit of a mess, but it is thrilling really. I love it. It scares me and Im secretly happy I get to do something that scares me. It was the same with Ukraine, everyone thought I was crazy for wanting to go there, you would not believe the arguments I heard and how worried everyone was.. and for what...? I was almost disappointed by how calm everything was (well not really, Im not that kind of election observer, I dont seek adrenaline rush in my missions). It was an experience full of nice people, nice food, nice beer and vodka, almost like a holiday but with a twist of elections. Not life changing, but definitely worth taking the risk for. And it was a window to the world that Im glad I opened. Im a lot more aware of whats going on, and you dont get that awareness just by reading the news.. So Im glad I went, even though it scared me. I refuse to let fear stop me from doing what I want.
Anyway, change of topic. I need to grow more. It feels like living in Cyprus is keeping me in a standstill. Election missions are like a small oasis in an otherwise stagnant life. Maybe its not entirely true, but it feels that way and I don't know why and I don't know what to do about it. I think so much traveling has made me spoiled, I need new scenery, different stimuli, I need new interesting people, conversations, experiences.. More than what Cyprus can offer me, I think.. I do have my projects and they are mostly interesting, they really are, but I'm doing everything halfheartedly, there's something stopping me from giving heart and soul.. Im always half here - half away and that's the reason I never got a stable job in Cyprus, which could have been a really good experience.. On the up side, that's how I could do election observations, but I'm 30 and never worked anywhere long enough (unless you count substitute teaching, which you can't really cause I've never been in one school long enough to actually have a meaningful impact).
Which brings me to the topic of this pointless rant and the reason why I'm not sleeping right now (when I have to get up in 5 hours and deliver a Human Rights workshop to girl-scouts in Limasol).
Regrets. I decided I wont have any. Going back to NY makes me wander down memory lane and I can't handle it. I hate myself for living in the past, but I cant help it. It might be a way to escape the present (would be interesting to read what Freud or some other intellectual psychoanalytic wacko has to say about this) but mostly it's a way to avoid reality. The reality that I'm growing up and I'm constantly running away. There are so many other paths that I could have taken, but I always took the escape exit, from jobs, from people, from countries, from opportunities. And those exits led me to where I am today. Fine. No regrets. I'm willing to accept the karmic theory of causation (I caused everything that happens to me in my previous lives), the doctrine of tychism (everything happened to me by chance) or the New Age consolation that everything happened for a reason (despite the lack of evidence). Either way, no regrets. I got to where I am now and I've learned a lot, grew a lot and even if Im kind of stuck now, I know there are always opportunities, in every day, in every place, for growth and happiness and life satisfaction.
So I won't let a trip to New York make me feel bad about how things have turned out in my life. I ll make the most of the adventure, absorb the magic of my (second) favorite city, see old friends and make new ones.. I ll seize the moment and devour the moment and appreciate the opportunity to go back to where I once left my heart.
(and maybe I can bring it home. I'm afraid its still there).
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