So it happened to me as well... I turned 30!!! Everyone I know who turned 30 told me the same thing, nothing changes, you are still the same person you always were and you don't feel any different. And it's true I guess. I feel like the same person, of course I do.. but only as long as I don't think about being 30. When I think about it, I feel different. Like it's not me anymore, but someone who is 30 years old. Because how can I be 30 years old? I can't be. I still haven't figured out my life, so how is it possible that Im 30 and have nothing figured out? It just cannot be.
I know Im exaggerating and taking this too seriously and I should just relax and enjoy life. And that's what Im doing to a certain extent, trying not to think too much.. but then something happens and I start thinking and then Im overwhelmed with unessecary life concern (I wont call it stress, these days it doesnt go that far). When things go wrong (in life in general) and I think about how old I am and how I thought life would be in my 30s, it feels like theres a weight on my chest that stops me from breathing normally.
It's not just peoples' reactions that are different now.. When people ask me how old I am and I say 30 (it even feels weird saying it), their response is "really?" Supposedly flattering, but what it sounds like to me is "that old?". Maybe I don't look like someone in their 30s and I defnitely dont act like one, but 30 is old.. 30 is 30 years of experience that are supposed to teach you something, you had 30 years to figure yourself out, to become a person, to know what you want and how to get it.. you had at least one decade to figure out your career and love life and what did you do with that decade if you are still someone without a job and without a stable relationship?
I made two stressful mistakes last year, I tried to read a pop-psychology book called "Turning 30" and I tried to listen to a Ted-X talk by a pop-psychologist about the 20s and how people waste them. Depressing. In both cases, the bottom line was "know what you want and go for it". And do it in your 20s, don't waste the decade (like I did). Invest in your career, invest in your lovelife, invest in your social life, build for the future. Whatever.. I invested in memories, in experiences.. even without long-term goals, this was not a wasted decade.. I have enjoyed my 20s.. so much!!!! I lived through amazing, amazing experiences.. I took risks I never thought I could.. I met people from all over the world and got connected to them. I went through 4 (not 1, not 2, but 4!) intense emotional relationships which taught me so much (and yet I still know nothing) about relationships. I partied and traveled and ate and drunk and enjoyed so much. Regrets? I guess there are always some kind of regrets.. could have worked harder to achieve my goals (should have set some also). I could have gone for another degree while I was still young.. something to help me grow and learn.. not a stupid pointless phd that I dropped half-way through. (What in the name of gods was I thinking?) I should have stopped working in school and never look back. So, yes, some regrets there.. now that I think about it, most of my choices have been wrong. I think I have an admirable talent for making the wrong choices. But, honestly, I dont care. I had a lot of fun. Even if I'm now 30 and I don't have a job and I don't know what I'm doing, I still believe that there's time for things to fall magically into place.
And if they dont.. so what? I just want to life to still be fun when I'm not young anymore.. I just want to live and enjoy every minute, have amazing people around me, experience new things and have love in my heart. So what if I never have an impressive career? (i wouldnt know in which field to focus anyway, im too multi-talented to choose!) So what if I never get married and have kids (I would love to, but it wouldnt be the end of the world, it's actually a trade for a different kind of life which can be equally fulfilling).
No comments:
Post a Comment