Friday evening.. I walked home, finally, and closed the door behind me, leaving the week outside.. and I feel lost, lost, lost.. everything is blurry, there's no structure, there's no time, I'm lost in space and it feels wrong..

Why am I so lost? Why does everything feel so meaningless? What is it that am I not doing right?

I think Im resisting the experience that Im going through now. I refuse to accept that this is my life. Im still holding on to an ideal self, who lives an ideal life, while at the same time not striving to achieve that life. I'm settling for things that don't make me happy, hoping that the things that make me happy will magically appear while I make no effort whatsoever to achieve them. Without even trying to articulate them. Without even daring to imagine them.

Im too tired for complicated thoughts. And yet Im pointlessly analyzing the life disappointment that comes out of mere tiredness. I just need to read a book and take my mind off things- but then again, that's what I normally do, I numb my thoughts and keep going.. and all the important decisions are postponed until further notice... avoiding the issues.. and living life halfway..

Where could I be if I wasnt here? Would I ever have made it on another path? Had I tried, could I have had a happy life in Copenhagen? Would I still be loving everything there, or would it grow tiring? Could I have settled somewhere, anywhere else? Would I have been capable for a career in human rights, had I believed in myself enough? Would I have been capable of having a nomadic life, as an observer or as an international worker? Would that have made me happy?

Im happy now, I think. Not being happy would be ungrateful. I have so much, I have it all... Its just that I dont know exactly what Im doing. Im not sure if this is where I was supposed to be, or if something went wrong and I ended up here. It feels slightly off.

But maybe its just me and I would have been feeling off anyway, no matter where I would be and with whom.

Maybe I wanted too much out of life. And maybe Im getting the right amount. If you have big dreams but dont work towards achieving them, its hardly the universe's fault right?

I cant even remember what my big dreams were. I just thought I could float through life, from place to place, from people to people, for an infinite amount of time, just experiencing things and getting the best life has to offer. But reality hits you, and you grow up, and nothing feels as carefree anymore and floating is not an option, in any way. You have to step to the ground. and get some kicks and stomps. And then you lay still. And then you settle.

This is the most "settled" I've ever been. And I'm not unhappy.. I'm actually quite ok. But then moments like these come and I'm daydreaming of the parallel realities.. the "anywhere but here" game. And then there's some good moments and reality seems magical again. Even if it's not how I imagined it..

And life goes on...