Growing up makes me depressed.
I know its unavoidable. No one can be young and carefree forever. And the alternative to taking responsibility is also bearing its cost. At some point you just HAVE to make decisions. You have to choose a professional path, you have to choose a place to live, a partner to share it all with and then children, worries, tiredness, lack of sleep, lack of social life, routine, survival, drainage. Real adult life.
I have been postponing everything for as long as I could. Even the career choice, which is practically unavoidable.. 11 years after graduation from university and I'm still not on track. But I can postpone no more. And if I did, it would not be a postponing, it would be an automatic cancellation. You can only postpone for so long before it becomes permanent. But then you are not young anymore, and others have the adult life that you so dreaded and they are surviving, and they are doing ok, and they look at you and your bachelor-carefree living habits with scorn and pity. Not that its any of their business.
I admire people who chose not to live predictably.. I know their lives are full of adventure and self-exploration. They are people who value their freedom and would not give it up unless it's really worth it. We all used to be like that and then we suddenly decided that adult life is worth the trouble. And we got married and we got kids and responsibility and worries. We think being free is a thing of youth and time takes it away. How can you have burdens and still be free? can you?
I'm about to walk the most traveled path. I stirred clear of it for as long as I could. Now it's forcing itself on me. I'm going to have a child and society thinks it got me in a box because of that (society being represented mostly by my parents). I am expected to do things now, like get married, buy a house in a nice residential area, work an unfulfilling job in order to save for child's education, etc.
It's already hard to breath, even though everything is still on initial phase.
What do I want to do?
I still want to live abroad, go on adventures, work for international organizations, meet new and exciting people with whom I will have lots to talk about that do not involve pregnancies, drink wine, smoke cigarettes, dance, sing, learn.
A child does not inhibit one from doing such things. But society does. And one's poorly programmed brain does as well.
I'm thrilled to open a new chapter in life and be a "mom". I'm grateful, because I never thought it would happen. I'm just afraid of the social roles I have to carry, of the expectations embedded in being a "mom" and of losing myself in the process. Can I still be free spirited when my well-being is no longer a priority? Or will I turn into one of those women who run things with an iron fist, freaking out when things go wrong, shutting anything that is not child-related outside of their worlds?
I'll let things unfold on their own for this one. And if I lose myself in the process, well, at least I hope it will be worth it.
I know its unavoidable. No one can be young and carefree forever. And the alternative to taking responsibility is also bearing its cost. At some point you just HAVE to make decisions. You have to choose a professional path, you have to choose a place to live, a partner to share it all with and then children, worries, tiredness, lack of sleep, lack of social life, routine, survival, drainage. Real adult life.
I have been postponing everything for as long as I could. Even the career choice, which is practically unavoidable.. 11 years after graduation from university and I'm still not on track. But I can postpone no more. And if I did, it would not be a postponing, it would be an automatic cancellation. You can only postpone for so long before it becomes permanent. But then you are not young anymore, and others have the adult life that you so dreaded and they are surviving, and they are doing ok, and they look at you and your bachelor-carefree living habits with scorn and pity. Not that its any of their business.
I admire people who chose not to live predictably.. I know their lives are full of adventure and self-exploration. They are people who value their freedom and would not give it up unless it's really worth it. We all used to be like that and then we suddenly decided that adult life is worth the trouble. And we got married and we got kids and responsibility and worries. We think being free is a thing of youth and time takes it away. How can you have burdens and still be free? can you?
I'm about to walk the most traveled path. I stirred clear of it for as long as I could. Now it's forcing itself on me. I'm going to have a child and society thinks it got me in a box because of that (society being represented mostly by my parents). I am expected to do things now, like get married, buy a house in a nice residential area, work an unfulfilling job in order to save for child's education, etc.
It's already hard to breath, even though everything is still on initial phase.
What do I want to do?
I still want to live abroad, go on adventures, work for international organizations, meet new and exciting people with whom I will have lots to talk about that do not involve pregnancies, drink wine, smoke cigarettes, dance, sing, learn.
A child does not inhibit one from doing such things. But society does. And one's poorly programmed brain does as well.
I'm thrilled to open a new chapter in life and be a "mom". I'm grateful, because I never thought it would happen. I'm just afraid of the social roles I have to carry, of the expectations embedded in being a "mom" and of losing myself in the process. Can I still be free spirited when my well-being is no longer a priority? Or will I turn into one of those women who run things with an iron fist, freaking out when things go wrong, shutting anything that is not child-related outside of their worlds?
I'll let things unfold on their own for this one. And if I lose myself in the process, well, at least I hope it will be worth it.
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