I've had periods in my life filled with nothing.. when days went by in absolute nothingness, time passed slowly, but days passed quickly.. I blinked and it was summer. I blinked again and it was winter. I lost track, I layed still. I had no sense of time. I was stuck in one place. Nothing changed, nothing moved. I just got through this day, and the next one.. and the next one.. I had nothing to show for my time.. It was empty, it was hollow, it was nothing.

I've had these periods before. But now its different.

Im raising a child now. Moments with her are filled with anxiety, laughter, fear, patience. A range of emotions that fills the day. It has nothing to do with me. I'm not present. It's just her. Is she hungy? Does she hurt? Is she happy? Is she interested? Excited? Alive?
I dont matter anymore. My soul doesnt get nourished. My soul is just floating, giving shelter to hers. She fills my time, she fills my hours. When shes not there, her thoughts fill the room.

Sometimes, I forget about her. And then comes the emptiness. When she's not here, there's nothing here. Its a different kind of silence. It cannot be filled. I look around and I cant find a meaning. Am I doing anything worth doing? Anything that doesnt have to do with her? Am I existing in my own right? Not as someone's mum but as a person in my own capacity? Im not sure.

I could always start reinventing myself, stealing 5 minutes here and there, to be who I am. I just dont know who I would be anymore.

And other times, I dont think about that stuff. I just am, with or with out her. Maybe Im not "me" but I exist in time. I think about the future, I "make" dreams. As long as I can think about the future and have some dreams, no matter how simple or futile, I think I ll be ok. Even if nothing happens at the end, even if I stay in limbo, dreaming of being more than I am should do the trick. Who knows, maybe this is it, but maybe there is more. And either way, it is ok.