I'm officially in the age of Jesus, an age that has a bad reputation for high mortality. I'm changing, physically and emotionally and on the one hand, I wish I could turn back time, on the other, I'm happy to be alive and happy to be more or less settled after many years of imaginary escapes and mental un-settlement... My priorities have changed, my interests have changed, my friends have changed and I'm such a different person than who I used to be. Unfortunately I'm still carrying my "inhibitions". But, just maybe I'm one step closer to getting rid of them...
I'm feeling off again today, for no obvious reasons (pms, moon phases, actual disturbing facts cannot be used as an excuse). Maybe it's that I have had too much free time these past two weeks (no complains, it has been amazing). Maybe it's because today is my last day of holidays and I realize that I didnt do the things that I ought to have done and the guilt/stress are taking the best of me. I don't know what it is. But I spent the last 4 hours feeling the pressure of having to be productive and not giving in to this pressure. I eased the anxiousness by looking at airbnb houses, reading irrelevant articles and browsing any nonsense that was posted on facebook. In 2 hours I have to be somewhere, so I cannot waste time indefinitely, which a good thing but also bad, its giving me more stress.
I'm going a bit crazy sometimes.
Also, Im thinking how much I hate things I used to tolerate. Like the government and banks, facebook, stupid people. Pretentious cities. Poshy restaurants. Other teachers. Some very rude children. Even my friends annoy me. Life is so much more difficult when you are not tolerant.. when you are not conforming with the rules of society... when you don't keep up with the demands of the modern times we live in. I feel like wanting to crawl in a hole dark and deep and make the world disappear. I just can't find a hole comfortable enough to shut the world outside.
It was only yesterday that I felt more creative. Still restless, but in a more positive way...
I will recover soon. I won't have a choice, next week I'll be too tired for such negative thinking.
Which is a good thing.
I'm feeling off again today, for no obvious reasons (pms, moon phases, actual disturbing facts cannot be used as an excuse). Maybe it's that I have had too much free time these past two weeks (no complains, it has been amazing). Maybe it's because today is my last day of holidays and I realize that I didnt do the things that I ought to have done and the guilt/stress are taking the best of me. I don't know what it is. But I spent the last 4 hours feeling the pressure of having to be productive and not giving in to this pressure. I eased the anxiousness by looking at airbnb houses, reading irrelevant articles and browsing any nonsense that was posted on facebook. In 2 hours I have to be somewhere, so I cannot waste time indefinitely, which a good thing but also bad, its giving me more stress.
I'm going a bit crazy sometimes.
Also, Im thinking how much I hate things I used to tolerate. Like the government and banks, facebook, stupid people. Pretentious cities. Poshy restaurants. Other teachers. Some very rude children. Even my friends annoy me. Life is so much more difficult when you are not tolerant.. when you are not conforming with the rules of society... when you don't keep up with the demands of the modern times we live in. I feel like wanting to crawl in a hole dark and deep and make the world disappear. I just can't find a hole comfortable enough to shut the world outside.
It was only yesterday that I felt more creative. Still restless, but in a more positive way...
I will recover soon. I won't have a choice, next week I'll be too tired for such negative thinking.
Which is a good thing.
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