Two months and 10 days ago, my world was turned upside down, in a violent and chaotic way.. I knew that my life was about to change but I was not prepared to be shaken to the core, to completely forget who I am and to redefine my identity, my priorities, my existence..

My baby girl was ripped off from my body, which was lying cut-open in a cold surgery room.. It was not a beautiful birth experience. I felt violated and deceived, for not having my baby enter the world in a natural and humane manner. The doctor said there was no other way. Contractions had barely started, I was preparing to feel the magic and the fear that tortured me for 9 months had mysteriously disappeared.. He came into the room, while my partner was out to get us some food and said unexpectedly "there's something wrong with the baby. We have to get her out now. You are going to have a C-section in half an hour". I started crying but I knew I had no choice. My sister was there, taking the lead and helping me get it together.

She and my partner were both present while my belly was being ripped to release a baby in distress. Oddly, the most comforting presence was the anesthesiologist, who kept stroking my hair and calling me "love". My sister was looking at me with big warm eyes full of love.. my partner was holding my hand, trying to distract me with irrelevant questions (that was his plan all along, to talk about my travels so I wouldnt think about birth- not so successful, there was no distraction at that moment). I was answering vaguely, my mind couldnt get away from that present moment. I could feel my skin being cut, the jab in my internal organs, yet I felt no pain. 

When they removed the baby from my body I felt a weight crushing my lungs and I stopped breathing. She didnt cry. They brought her face close to my mouth for a quick second before rushing her to the neonatal intensive care unit. I remember her dark-haired head being brought to me. I kissed her on the lips. It happened so fast. I knew at that moment that my life was just beginning. I felt that what I had before was a pre-life, and the real thing was just starting..

I didnt see her for 3 days.. The nurses and my visitors felt sorry for me, as I was recovering alone, lying down on the hospital bed, unable to see the little girl I was carrying inside me for 9 months. I still felt she was inside me, I was in denial that I had given birth. Because my belly was still huge, and she wasnt around, so how could I have given birth if there was no baby to show for it?

The days at the clinic were no picnic, but the difficult times started when I got out. The first time I went to visit her at the NICU, I was in trance. I was visiting my baby girl in hospital. It had to be a reality in a parallel dimension. I couldnt believe this was happening. I was a mother visiting her child at the hospital. They kept saying she was out of danger, but I couldnt stop the crying. Crying in that cold room, full of babies lying in hospital cradles, full of nurses and distressed parents. The first time I saw her little body, tubes coming out of it, scars from the blood transfusion, she seemed so small and so alone and so helpless, I think there was a crack in my heart that will never heal. I can still see her when I close my eyes, this tiny little baby, surrounded by monitors.

I never thought I would recover from this experience.. But I have.. It took me 3 months to feel myself again.. and now she's a happy, healthy baby, who occasionally cries and gives you a hard time but she is overall a real joy. A bundle of joy that grows a little bit more every day. It was all worth it. Every single second of it, every single tear. Grateful..