The new life has already started.. I have a new identity now, I'm a child-bearing person, a child-bearing woman, to be more precise, and my life has changed 95%. Im keeping 5% for the rare occassions that I get a glimpse of my old life, when I go for yoga or when I go out on my own some times. The first three months felt like sleepwalking, I was completely lost. Days were flying by, from one pumping session to the next, from one feeding session to the next, from nap to nap, day after day. Last weeks have been better. My little bundle of joy is growing, she coos and smiles and melts my heart. I feel more like myself. I'm tired, but it gets better. I'm getting used to my new role. I'm a child-bearing woman, Im a {mum}. I have acquired the most celebrated title, the most sacred of all relationships and yet it feels like no big deal. I have a daughter and it feels so natural, like she was always there and on the other hand it feels unreal, because I'm not a real adult, so how come I have a child? I guess I am a real adult then. All the years of procrastinating, of keeping a young lifestyle, of thinking of myself as someone outside the lines of society, someone different who would never settle, all illusions.
My new life is about to be completed with an acquired house. A house in the suburbs. A semi-detached, half -plot, mass production, standardized house. A dream house for my mother, a nightmare house for me, signaling my complete resignation from the life I wanted and the utter surrender to the middle-class Cypriot lifestyle. I suspect there are others like me. People who thought their life would be different, special and exotic, and ended up living the Cypriot dream they never dreamed by their mid-thirties, worn out by jobs they dont like and families that cook for them and interfere in their affairs.
First I wanted to travel, I wanted to spend my life here and there Then I settled for living in Cyprus. But only in the old city I said. Because the old city feels like being abroad. Suddenly Im building a house in the suburbs. I wanted to work for the international community. Then I settled for being a teacher, because I never believed in myself enough and because deep down I liked the salary and the vacations and going home early. I chose to compromise. Maybe not actively, but I did nothing to object to the compromise. So it was a choice.
I'm afraid I 'll lose myself in the process. Our choices make us who we are, they shape us more than anything. It's not what happens to us, its how we deal with it that sculpts our character. Im becoming a person I dont want to be, because Im choosing the situations that ll make me that person.
But nothing is set on stone. I can always take U-turns.
I don't want my current family life to be a reproduction of my own childhood. Was it that bad? No, not really.. but it left me with a bitter taste. Something was off. My parents tried to give us everything and they did. Was it enough? It probably was. Then why do I want to avoid similar experiences for my own children? It was mostly boring. That's what it was. Life in the suburbs is boring. I grew up in a village, but still. Im afraid I ll end up like my mother. Rushing home from work, to cook, clean the house, working like a slave and dozing off in front of the television before heading to bed at 10pm.
This post does not make any sense. I cannot put my thoughts together. I cannot rant, I cannot express myself. Convey my message.
Whatever.. I ll get back to googling kitchen tiles.
My new life is about to be completed with an acquired house. A house in the suburbs. A semi-detached, half -plot, mass production, standardized house. A dream house for my mother, a nightmare house for me, signaling my complete resignation from the life I wanted and the utter surrender to the middle-class Cypriot lifestyle. I suspect there are others like me. People who thought their life would be different, special and exotic, and ended up living the Cypriot dream they never dreamed by their mid-thirties, worn out by jobs they dont like and families that cook for them and interfere in their affairs.
First I wanted to travel, I wanted to spend my life here and there Then I settled for living in Cyprus. But only in the old city I said. Because the old city feels like being abroad. Suddenly Im building a house in the suburbs. I wanted to work for the international community. Then I settled for being a teacher, because I never believed in myself enough and because deep down I liked the salary and the vacations and going home early. I chose to compromise. Maybe not actively, but I did nothing to object to the compromise. So it was a choice.
I'm afraid I 'll lose myself in the process. Our choices make us who we are, they shape us more than anything. It's not what happens to us, its how we deal with it that sculpts our character. Im becoming a person I dont want to be, because Im choosing the situations that ll make me that person.
But nothing is set on stone. I can always take U-turns.
I don't want my current family life to be a reproduction of my own childhood. Was it that bad? No, not really.. but it left me with a bitter taste. Something was off. My parents tried to give us everything and they did. Was it enough? It probably was. Then why do I want to avoid similar experiences for my own children? It was mostly boring. That's what it was. Life in the suburbs is boring. I grew up in a village, but still. Im afraid I ll end up like my mother. Rushing home from work, to cook, clean the house, working like a slave and dozing off in front of the television before heading to bed at 10pm.
This post does not make any sense. I cannot put my thoughts together. I cannot rant, I cannot express myself. Convey my message.
Whatever.. I ll get back to googling kitchen tiles.
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